Boot Scootin' Boogie!

As you may or may not know, I am (along with Christopher) a country dancing enthusiast!  We go dancing at a local country bar pretty much as often as we can (which is not as often now as it used to be).   Christopher also says that the moment he realized that he was in love with me was when he was watching me while I was on the dance floor.

As such, we thought it only fitting if we did one line dance during the wedding.  Racking my brain, I carefully selected the line dance "Boot Scootin' Boogie" that is danced to the song of the same name by Brooks & Dunn.  We plan to teach the line dance at the rehearsal to our wedding party, but we thought it would be fun to give ALL of our guests the chance to learn the dance.

I scoured the YouTube for an example or instructional of the version of the dance that Chris and I know.  That took for-ev-er!!!  Apparently, the version that we do is not the most popular version so the video below is the best that I can find.  

These folks do the correct version for us, and it is altogether a pretty simple dance compared to many of the other line dances that I might have chosen.  We will be doing the dance after I change into my reception dress following the cake cutting.

So go ye forth and learn the dance so that you can have fun with us (even if you do feel a little silly while doing so)!!!!!!

TWO WEEKS!

What?

I know.

So nuts.

Can't believe it.

Two weeks from right now, I'll be eating and dancing with our family and friends.
Two weeks from right now I will be married.

Sidebar: Idealized

I have stumbled across yet another article that I find interesting which relates to the fact that I am getting married shortly: Want a Happier Marriage? Unrealistically Idealize Your Partner

This article reports on a recent study which drew the conclusion that unrealistically idealization of one's partner is correlated to higher marital satisfaction over the first three years of a first marriage.

They suggested that people may either distort their actual perception of their partner to more closely fit the concept of their ideal partner or they have adjust their concept of an ideal partner to match the qualities of their current partner.

Either of these possibilities are interesting.

But what is important here, as it always is, is that these data are correlations....so there is no determining the causation.  The authors state that one alternate possibility is that people who are simply in more stable and satisfying relationships tend to have an idealized perception of their partner; thus, the causation flips from the headline which suggest that, as long as you force yourself to idealize your partner you'll have a happier marriage.

As always, my critical thinking and curious mind asks: how does this differ, if at all, when taking into account length of courtship and/or whether or not the couple was living together prior to marriage.  I expect that the trajectory of Chris' and my was different when we first started living together versus what it will be following the wedding.

Very interesting.

The Bridezilla Conundrum

So it seems now that the time has arrived wherein people are expecting that the Bride (that is, me) is going Crazy preparing for the wedding.  Which is understandable given that: (1) popular culture tells us that the Crazy of the Bride ramps up and up and up as the wedding gets closer and closer and closer, (2) the wedding is now 16 days away, (3) I am typically deal with stress by dipping into my deep well of anxiety, and (4) there have been a lot of stresses with the wedding previously.

I am, however, shockingly cool, calm, and collected.
Yes, there are a few is a lot is is still tons left to do before the big day, but I am feeling that all of this is well in-hand.  Partly, this may be because while, previously, there had been some...shall we say challenges?....with personalities involved in the wedding, those seem to have been sufficiently resolved.  Well, at least they have been resolved enough that I don't have to deal with them.

It also helps that we have a better head-count for the wedding (only 32 people have not yet RSVP'd - and yes that is only since two days ago that number was more like 50), and that I had my third and final dress fitting on Tuesday.

Another factor is that I am approaching my final days working at my practicum placement; I am going in later this morning and after that I have two days of practicum left, which will consist of training meetings and paperwork - no more client meetings.  That leaves me with the remainder of my time to work and to work on the wedding.  That's a full week with the wedding as my primary task.

I think also that because I did begin grappling with a lot of the emotions about the wedding well ahead of time, I am able to focus on the excitement.  I have butterflies of excitement, not of impending disaster.  I am feeling free and clear of so much of the nasty, heavy anxiety that generally plagues my world.

I am completely ready to be present and conscious for my wedding day, so that I can experience all the wonders and joys of the entire day.

Licensed

On Monday, Christopher and I went down to the Alameda County Recorder's office to apply for and pick up our wedding license.  Like usual, I was excited about this big step; the license is the single most important item for the wedding....without it the actual wedding cannot happen.

So early on Monday morning, we hied ourselves to downtown Oakland (always charming) and located the Country Recorder's office.  It was surprisingly easy to find, and surprisingly easy to find street parking (albeit metered parking).

Neither of us having been married before, when we went into the offices, we were obviously stumbling around like idiots trying to figure out where to go first.  A computer lab looking room to our right, the welcome desk to the left, or the large room in front of us with workers at a U of desks lining the wall clearly used with patrons sitting across from the employees.  We started towards one of these desks with a worker seated there but who was not serving any patrons.  When we told her why we were there, she politely redirected us to the computer lab.  We followed the instructions to complete the information on the form - including our parents' full names and birth states - and proceeded to the welcome desk where they handed us a form to complete by hand.  Following that, we waited in the room with the U of desks for our number to be called and, when it was, made our way to the designated desk.

When we sat, the woman congratulated us heartily on our impending marriage and answered our questions easily and with apparent enthusiasm.  She asked about the wedding and how it was going to be while simultaneously processing our paperwork.

Then came the moment that felt pretty big to me: writing for her on a piece of blank white paper the name by which I will be known - legally, personally, and professionally - following the marriage.  I am keeping my first name the same, adding my current last name as a second middle name, and taking Christopher's last name.
I slid the paper back and waited for her to complete the data entry.

She told us the fee total, processed our payment, and handed over several pieces of paper for us to take with us, including: the marriage license that needs to be signed to certify the wedding, an instruction page for us regarding the paperwork, an instruction page for our officiant regarding the paperwork, a novelty certificate (what? weird, right?), and a booklet that includes information pertinent to married people.

She actually opened the last and showed us a page that listed the national domestic violence and sexual assault hotlines.  She was apologetic about having to show it to us, but I think we confused her when we both said that it was good that she did...we did not have time to tell her that we both work with BAWAR and are social justice advocates, so she seemed a bit perplexed.

Regardless, she congratulated us once again, handed me a large envelope with all the paperwork and sent us on our way.

When we got home, I showed Christopher and made him watch while I put the envelope in a safe and logical place so that we do not lose it.

And so we shall be married!!!

17 days.
Can't believe it!!

Chris Turns 26!

Today, May 1st, is Christopher's 26th birthday.

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!


He's started the celebration by waking up for work at 4:30am having gotten home at 10:00pm from work.
When he gets home we will celebrate with dinner and a movie at home.

If you get a chance, send some Happy Birthdays his way, will ya?
He's pretty awesome.
I'm quite glad that he was born 26 years ago today.

Article: Gender Difference among Couples in Conflict

I stumbled across the following article recently: "Women Have More Intense Emotions Than Men When Conflict Arises Within The Couple"


Yeah, this one has a little bit of a "duh" factor, I know.
I can't help but enjoy it though.  And it helps that this study was published in a peer-reviewed journal.  The author of the article about the actual study printing writes: 

"One could expect men to express more domineering or "powerful" emotions as wrath, anger or despise, and women to have more submissive attitudes guilt, sadness or fear. The results have proved that women feel more intense emotions, both powerful and non-powerful."

Again, not that surprising, but having a scientific study note this definitely makes me and my feminist heart happy and feeling justified.


Even more, the actual authors of the study write: 

"The socio-cultural context and gender-based roles assigned to men and women respectively might have a relevant influence on the generation of expectations concerning their role in relationships and in conflicts within the couple." 

Not that any of this necessarily applies to me, but I do definitely pay a lot of attention to the articles about couples and marriage these days.  I wonder why......

Surfacing

One theme that I have been noticing is that, with the wedding so close, it makes me think about my relationship with Chris in a different way.  Mostly what that means is that conversations about the future surface more -- and not in the "isn't it fun to dream about the future" kind of way, but in the "how are we actually going to make this happen?" kind of way.

To be sure, Chris and I both have things we want to achieve both as separate people (e.g., our careers) and as a couple (e.g., children and a home).  We have talked about these things before, many times and at great length.  And yet, as we creep up find ourselves closer and closer to the day of the wedding, these conversations seem to take on a different weight.

As a psychology grad student, I know that this behavior - the re-evaluation of a commitment during that in-between time after deciding to commit (e.g., engagement) and before the commitment becomes finalized (e.g., marriage) - is completely normal.  It happens with small decisions and large, good decisions and bad; this psychological reflex does not discriminate, particularly if you have a pragmatic style of thinking.

So, given that, it's completely normal and natural that Chris and I are having more and more serious conversations about the direction of our lives - particularly considering that, for the next year, I will be living in LA and he will be here in the Bay Area.  It's also particularly present, I think, because for the past four years the needs and demands of my schooling have been of paramount importance and largely immovable while Chris had to mold to mine.  A difficult feat to balance these things and now we are moving closer to being able to prioritize Chris' career and needs over mine. We discuss how we are going to manage this coming year while living apart, but also long-term financial planning, personal goals, professional goals, and family planning.

The closer we get to the wedding and the closer we get to more freedom (in the form of me becoming a licensed psychologist) the more these questions and discussions are imperative and hold more weight.

I suppose I have to think of this in neither a good/bad manner, but rather accept that the intensity of these transitions is appropriate and important to consider.

Banded!

Guess what came in the mail?!?!?!?

Chris' wedding band!

He tried it on and is making complaining noises about how it fits and how he's not used to wearing jewelry.
I told him that he has decades to get used to it. :)

Seriously, though, I'm so happy because it's pretty, and it fits, and it goes very well with my rings.  I know the photo is blurry, but I can't find the website's photo so this will have to suffice because I am definitely not the photographer.

THE Dress Arrived...Last Month

When I got the call that my wedding dress had finally arrived at the bridal shop, I was both thrilled and anxious.

Now, that happened, several weeks ago (in point of fact, I began writing this particular blog post on February 11th....it is now well past that date) and I have since tried on the dress and, just yesterday, I scheduled my first two dress fittings!

I realize now that I should probably explain the anxious part of that first sentence.
As you may know, I bought my dress quite some time ago and had first found it even earlier than that.
It was just about six months between purchase and when I learned that it arrived at the bridal shop.  That's a looooooong time to wait in between viewing what is arguably the most important and  expensive dress I will even wear. Especially when our culture puts such a premium on finding the just-right dress; I want to look exactly how I want to look on my wedding day and the dress itself is a huge part of that.  Thus, I definitely do not want to have any serious doubts about whether or not I picked the right dress.

For myself, I tried on dress after dress after dress and had a difficult time finding the right style for me and for what I wanted.  I love clothes, and so it was easy to imagine myself getting married to Christopher in many of the dresses I tried on.  I'm not really sure what ultimately sold me on this dress, and so visions of what I remember this dress looking like when I tried it on danced in my head along with visions of a dress I almost bought and ones that I seriously considered.  Who knows?

So six months without seeing the dress and no taksies-backsies can make a gal go a little silly.
Thus, when I got the call the dress was there, I definitely got nervous that it wouldn't look the way I had remembered and that it would be the wrong size and that I picked the wrong version of the color white for it.


[[NOTE to CHRISTOPHER:  STOP READING HERE!  No spoilers for you, young man!!!!]]


Sorry, I need to eliminate the possibility that he accidentally sees some key words that will give it away -- I don't know why exactly, but I've decided to go with near-mystery on how I will look the day we get married.  Except for my shoes and that I'm wearing a big-ass flower in my hair because...well, of course!! on the latter; not wearing a flower would just be silly!!!


Ok.
Better.

:)

Fortunately, though, when I arrived at the bridal shop with parents and a sister in tow (along with no less than 3 trial shoe options, two hair fascinators, a veil, earring options, and a bracelet) and tried on the dress it was what I remembered.  RELIEF!  Wearing it, I felt beautiful.  The size was the right size to have ordered - although it will have to be taken in in the waist and a little in the bust, it was the right size for my hips which, proportionally, is where I am the biggest.  BUT because of the rest, my dress saleswoman, had to hold back all the boning so that I wouldn't look like I was swimming in it.

I think, also, that I feel like keeping the rest of how I will look a bit of a mystery from the world-at-large, as well (because obviously, 8 kajillion people read this blog religiously!).  If you want to see some of the photos from the try-on, let me know and I'll happily share, but I think I'd rather keep it a bit under my hat for now.

Suffice to say, I loved it.  I can't wait to put it on again and make the changes in the sizing and in the adding of the halter strap (which I am convinced will make a huge impact on my silhouette).  
So I for my wedding-day look I have:
(1) the dress
and
(2) the shoes

I still need to make a decision on:
(1) hair accessory/ies
(2) bracelet
(3) shoe clips
(4) earrings [post to come on that one]
(5) hair
(6) make-up
and
(7) nails

That's good progress, right?

Article: Enhancing Joy in Your Relationship

Stumbled across.

Simple, readable.

Thoughts?

Sad News

Chris and I learned recently that his grandfather has passed away after a long battle with cancer.

Services are being held this week.

I only had the privilege of meeting him on two occasions, but I know that he was an incredible, loving man.

Of very small comfort is that we did send him our wedding invitation, so he got to see it before he passed.

My heart and thoughts are with Chris and his family at this difficult time.

Although his passing was not entirely unexpected, the loss is poignant.

Sidebar: Scarlett Marie

On February 20th, 2011 at 4:25pm, my brother and sister-in-law welcomed into the world a brand new, beautiful baby girl.

Scarlett Marie Gray

She weighed 7 pounds and 1 ounce at birth, and measured 19.5 inches long.

I love her so much, and I am so proud to be an auntie.

Perfect Fit: My Rings

Before we got engaged, Chris spent many hours deciding on my engagement ring.  Because I had been told that I was not going to be able to choose my ring, I had sent him probably close to 100 pictures of rings that I liked so that there was no question about things that I liked.

So Chris went to a jeweler with one of those many pictures in hand and described to the jeweler what he like about the ring in the photo and how he wanted it to be different for the special-commission engagement ring he wanted.  A few months later, Chris was summoned back to the jewelers and shown the ring that had been created: my engagement ring.  After he proposed, I was amazed at how perfectly he had gotten the ring.  

And yes, these are the best photos I could find of the ring on my delightful sausage fingers.  ;)

And theeeeen, many moons later, we went shopping just to look at possibilities and directions.  Along the way, we found a ring that just slid in perfectly with my engagement ring.  So we took some time to think about it.....then we went back to that store and bought it!

It came in from beings size a few weeks later.

I can't help but think that, considering the uniqueness of my engagement ring's shape (in terms of engagement rings, anyhow), that the new wedding band fits incredibly well.  It will fit even better when we get it soldered together after the wedding.

I feel very fortunate to have found such a perfect fit with such ease.

Now I just have a few dozen days left to wait before I can wear it all the time!!

One Hundred.

There are now one hundred days left until the wedding.

That's kinda scary and kinda exciting.

The countdown just keeps rolling forward, regardless of whether or not I get things checked of that to-do list.

Thinking about it makes me smile and my heart beat faster.  I think about seeing Chris waiting for me when I turn that corner, ready to walk down the aisle.  I think about dancing in the not-quite-summer air, with stars and lights twinkling around us while Chris makes me keep doing spins until I lose my balance just a little during a swing song.  I think of the people I love most in the world celebrating with us and showing their love just with their presence.

I also think of those few last addresses that I need to get, and the decisions as yet unmade.  I think about some of the things that could go wrong.  I think about how I need to make sure that I reserve enough linens, and that I still need to figure out most of the songs we're going to use during the wedding.


I can't wait....but I'm glad that I still have more time before everything needs to be done.

Gone Postal

I just want to share my excitement that the first round of invitations - that's some 70-odd invites - went to the care of the United States Postal Service today!!

While we are still waiting on a good handful of confirmed addresses for friends and family members, but we figure that they won't know the difference or mind.

We did a lot of DIY on the invitation prep and packaging, so I'll post about that later (plus pictures).  For now, I'm just excited to have taken that step.  It's a big and important one.

Although it was a task that could have been undertaken by one person, I decided that Chris and I should definitely do this one together.  Although we had collaborated on prepping the invites and had them all wrapped, sealed, and stamped when we arrived at the Post Office, we still went to the self-service machine to check the postage so as to avoid 70 returned envelopes for insufficient postage.

We click the buttons, do the thing, and - lo and behold! - the machine tells us that it will be $0.81 per envelope.  But, but!!  All my internetz research said it should just be $0.64 - the extra just to account for their square shape.
So we take the shoe-box full of invites to the counter (just inching in before the lunchtime rush, phew!!) and look to our friendly neighborhood government employee for confirmation that the machine was wrong.
It was.
Instead, the correct postage cost is: $1.03 per invite.
Oh.
So we shelled out for another $0.44 stamp each (just for simplicity).

Theeeeeeeeeeeen, after several peel-and-stick repetitions we tooks our hefty stacks and slid them, a few at a time, into the mailing slots.
With the last stack going in Chris looks at me and goes: "duhn, duhn, DUUUUUHN!!!"

We laughed.
We left.

We're ready for this.

Uh-Door-Uh-Bull

I just found a list of quotes from small children talking about love and marriage.
Made me smile so hard, I almost cried.  It also made me giggle to myself repeatedly in the airport.


A select few items:


Adult: When is it ok to kiss someone?
Child: You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding.


Adult: Is it better to be single or married?
Child: It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble.


Adult: What is falling in love like?
Child: If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long.


Adult: How important is being good-looking to falling in love?
Child: Beauty is skin deep. But, how rich you are can last a long time.




There are more, but I kind of want to save them!

Article: Staying Married

I recently read and article titled: 7 Things I've Learned in 7 Years of Marriage which was posted through some of the news feeds I read related to psychology.

As I thought it was apropos, I thought I'd share the author's ideas. Here's what he said he learned was important to a good marriage:

1. Get Married For the Right Reasons.
2. Talk About Things That Matter.
3. It’s Okay to Be Wrong.
4. Compromise is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness.
5. You Need Your Own Life.
6. Fun is Always Important.
7. Commitment Means Commitment.

In the article, the author elaborates on these points so if you're interested, I encourage you to read the whole thing.

As for me, I found it interesting to read a scientists' opinion column, essentially.  This author typically evaluates things from a scientific lens, so his decision to list these ideas about lessons for marriage - aside from any actual research, entirely based upon anecdote - was very interesting.

For me, although obviously we are not yet married, the biggest one of these that I have learned during my relationship with Chris thus far is #3.  Many of the other ideas I'd already known and I guess you could say I already knew [about] #3 prior to our relationship, but....there's something different about putting that into action, particularly when my own personal disposition is to try and be right as frequently and as vehemently as possible [I know, those who have known me for years are gasping with shock and epiphanies!].

That is definitely a lesson I have taken off the "Academic Knowledge" shelf and put into practice - slowly, with difficulty and a need for focus in the execution.  One of the things that disarmed me about Chris when we first started getting serious was his willingness to admit when was wrong and be completely ok with that...that it wasn't a devastating thing to admit.

What's more than just learning that "It's Ok to Be Wrong," is how disappointed I was to discover how difficult this was for me to put into practice.  My competitive nature and desire to be the smartest, most correct, and best were helpful in a learning environment and in the workplace but, when it comes to my personal relationships, I have had the unfortunate habit of putting "being right" above "doing what is right."

So I practice, every time Chris and I disagree about something, when we have a compromise to make or a bridge to build, I have to - very intentionally - examine myself to make sure I'm doing what is correct overall and in the best interests of our relationship rather than just trying to beat him, trying to be the winner.

Any other thoughts on these?

Also, although it wasn't one of the listed lessons, the author did put forth the opinion that couples should live together before marriage.  And, for the record, the scientific results of studies on this topic are mixed in regards to whether it is better to live together or not prior to nuptials.

Hiatus

I know it's been a little while since I've posted, and in large part, recently, it has been due to some unfortunate family circumstances and to my general hiatus on wedding planning and wedding-related obsessive thoughts.  I am also likely going to be continuing the pause on posts through the holidays, as I get more focused on spending time with my family and enjoying this time of year.

Regarding the unfortunate family circumstances, I am sad to share that my paternal grandfather passed away very recently.  He had been in poor health for a while and then more recently, he broke his hip and was unable to have surgery for it due to his generally poor health status.  After being in the hospital for about a week and a half, his condition deteriorated and, ultimately, my family chose to take him off life support, per my grandfather's previously-stated wishes.  So, just a little over a week ago, my grandfather passed away surrounded by his wife, children, and grandchildren.  I went to Florida, where that part of my family lives, and was there for about a week participating in services and spending some healing time with my family.

I know that, typically, my posts are almost exclusively wedding-related and this post may seem more directly personal.  What I came to realize, though, during my grieving process - one which is ongoing and very challenging - is that his passing is very impactful on the wedding.  My grandfather would not have missed my wedding for the world; there is no question that he would have been there, would have been telling stories, and creating new ones for his descendants to tell with laughter.

When my wedding day comes,  I will feel his loss poignantly.  While I would not characterize my relationship with him as particularly close, he was still my grandpa and my first family member to pass away (excluding my great-grandmother when I was very young and who I had only met a handful of times).  I have been thinking about how unfair it was for him to go so close to the wedding and how I will honor him now that he cannot be there with us.

Re-reading what I have written thus far, I realize that my thoughts are not particularly well-organized or -written...and I'm choosing not to change that because it reflects how I have been thinking about how I have been feeling.

In the end, what I really mean is that I love him, he will be missed, and I will feel his absence on the day I wed.

Itsy Bitsy and Profound

Another reason why I love Chris:

He wakes up at 4am to go to work and, before he leaves, he brews a pot of coffee so that it is ready for me when I wake up.

Such small things make up who he is and remind me of how those small things remind me of why and how much I love him.