Licensed

On Monday, Christopher and I went down to the Alameda County Recorder's office to apply for and pick up our wedding license.  Like usual, I was excited about this big step; the license is the single most important item for the wedding....without it the actual wedding cannot happen.

So early on Monday morning, we hied ourselves to downtown Oakland (always charming) and located the Country Recorder's office.  It was surprisingly easy to find, and surprisingly easy to find street parking (albeit metered parking).

Neither of us having been married before, when we went into the offices, we were obviously stumbling around like idiots trying to figure out where to go first.  A computer lab looking room to our right, the welcome desk to the left, or the large room in front of us with workers at a U of desks lining the wall clearly used with patrons sitting across from the employees.  We started towards one of these desks with a worker seated there but who was not serving any patrons.  When we told her why we were there, she politely redirected us to the computer lab.  We followed the instructions to complete the information on the form - including our parents' full names and birth states - and proceeded to the welcome desk where they handed us a form to complete by hand.  Following that, we waited in the room with the U of desks for our number to be called and, when it was, made our way to the designated desk.

When we sat, the woman congratulated us heartily on our impending marriage and answered our questions easily and with apparent enthusiasm.  She asked about the wedding and how it was going to be while simultaneously processing our paperwork.

Then came the moment that felt pretty big to me: writing for her on a piece of blank white paper the name by which I will be known - legally, personally, and professionally - following the marriage.  I am keeping my first name the same, adding my current last name as a second middle name, and taking Christopher's last name.
I slid the paper back and waited for her to complete the data entry.

She told us the fee total, processed our payment, and handed over several pieces of paper for us to take with us, including: the marriage license that needs to be signed to certify the wedding, an instruction page for us regarding the paperwork, an instruction page for our officiant regarding the paperwork, a novelty certificate (what? weird, right?), and a booklet that includes information pertinent to married people.

She actually opened the last and showed us a page that listed the national domestic violence and sexual assault hotlines.  She was apologetic about having to show it to us, but I think we confused her when we both said that it was good that she did...we did not have time to tell her that we both work with BAWAR and are social justice advocates, so she seemed a bit perplexed.

Regardless, she congratulated us once again, handed me a large envelope with all the paperwork and sent us on our way.

When we got home, I showed Christopher and made him watch while I put the envelope in a safe and logical place so that we do not lose it.

And so we shall be married!!!

17 days.
Can't believe it!!

On Names

I know that I already posted about, but one of my favorite [political/feminist] bloggers just posted an article that explains my perspective more eloquently, although not all of it applies to me.

As I noted before, I do plan on changing my name and taking Chris' surname.  I am choosing this having given it much thought and reflection on the various aspects of the consideration.

This blogger, offered a list of ten potential reasons that a woman who identifies as feminist (which I do) would choose to take her husband's last name as her own (which I plan to do).

She makes many good points, but here are some of my favorites:

 ...

6. Because her maiden name was her father's name and keeping it did not feel like any more a rejection of the patriarchy than taking her husband's name did, and she liked her husband's name better.

  ...

9. Because she and her husband want the same last name, but the law makes it infinitely easier for her to change her name to his than for him to change his name to hers, or for both of them to choose a new name they share altogether.

 ...

10. Because despite knowing it comes from a weird, fucked-up patriarchal tradition, there's still some weird, fucked-up place inside her that likes the idea of taking her husband's name—and no feminist/womanist lives a life free of compliance, consciously or not, with weird, fucked-up patriarchal narratives and expectations. But unlike privately calling another woman a bitch or playing the role of Exceptional Feminist with a group of male coworkers or secretly doing all the housework in her own home, the name thing is there for everyone to see and question, every day of her life.

...Every time we publicly castigate or question women who have taken their husbands' last names [we judge and castigate them] —because there are reasons, not always evident and none of our fucking business, for that choice which can and sometimes do trump political statements on a personal, individual level.

This is not to argue that taking one's husband's name is inherently a feminist choice (although I'm not sure it's inherently not a feminist choice, either, depending on the circumstances). It is merely to say that we cannot (and should not) axiomatically assume anything about a woman who has taken her partner's name, rendering this yet another subject on which the casual passing of judgment is a pernicious affair indeed.

Quite evidently, we each have a responsibility to think critically about our individual decisions, and not pretend they happen in a void even when we make choices for no one's pleasure or security but our own. just because one is doing something for herself doesn't magically turn it into a choice without cultural implications.

But it's eminently possible to critique the culture in which individual choices are made, and the cultural narratives that may affect our decision-making processes, without condemning those individual choices. Or the womanists/feminists making them.

Not every feminist/womanist will make the same choice, nor should they be thus obliged in order to prove feminism's value. Feminism has sufficiently demonstrated its own worth by providing that spectrum of choice in the first place.

In general, I recommend this blogger's writing and find her insights quite interesting (although I do not always agree with her).   I like that she put this in terms of feminism and how we, as persons with strong ideals and points of view, forget that others can make choices that are not 100% in line with ideologies and are still legitimate and do not negate a person's identification as feminist (or belonging to some other ideology).

I just like this post and wanted to share, particularly as it pertains to me and my own personal decision...and one that I clearly felt like required an explanation of some kind.

Naming

With our impending marriage, the decision about whether or not I will change my name has been an important and ever-present one.
First, I want to be clear: this post is not meant to be about the general practice of women changing their names, it is about me in my personal decision about what I plan to do.  In no way is this meant to be commentary upon what other women choose to do.

There are many thoughts out there about the practice of the new wife swapping her father's last name for her husband's.  As someone who very much identifies as a feminist, I had thought about this decision long before beginning my relationship with Chris.

Some of the ideas against a woman's changing her name at marriage are compelling.  Opposers of this practice note the origin of this practice and how it is linked to women being treated as property, and as such, the last name becomes a mark of ownership - first on the part of the father and then on the part of the husband.  In this light, it is also seen as a women abandoning her previous identity for the sake of a new one in which she is subordinate.  Less grandiose philosophers also note some aspects of simplicity; that is, if Emily Post changes her name to Emily Stewart, her friends from high school may have a difficult time finding her.  Similarly, if a woman is already established in her career, changing her name may produce confusion - for example, if a researcher publishes under the last name Brown and then changes her name to Green, her previous publications may not be as easily recognized as her own work.

Some of this thought seems to be what has led to the more common practice of last name hyphenation.  This way, a bride may retain her own, pre-martial, identity while still acknowledging her new identity as a wife.

Traditionalists mark not only the history of the practice of a woman changing her name, but also the cohesion that having one surname in a marriage - particularly if that couple intends to have children - in the creation of one family unit.  There are also many religious traditions on this matter, but I am choosing not to go down that long and sticky road.

While in some countries, women may have little choice about changing their names - and often in whom they marry - in the United States, persons may choose to change their names essentially whenever they like and for nearly any reason; it is also by no means mandatory that a woman change her name following marriage.
Still, the current default expectation is that a woman changes her name.

I made my decision about what I wanted to do quite a long time ago, but have felt the need to explore this choice.  I have a habit of making decisions on instinct, and then searching out information to check in with myself about what I really prefer and why that is.

I am choosing to change my name.  I am also choosing to keep my current last name, but without hyphenating.  I will be taking, instead, my current last name as a second middle name and taking Chris' last name for my own.

First, something about doing this, with him, feels right to me.  We had conversations about this early on, and, to be clear, this decision what 100% my own; Christopher wanted me to do what I want to do.  There are pragmatic considerations: no matter what, when we're married, people will call me Mrs. Langsdale; we plan on giving our children his last name; it is simpler given that this is the default expectation; it makes financial endeavors simpler, since it makes it more clear that we are married.  Similarly, some concerns are non-applicable to us at this stage; for example, my career has not begun and I can have my diplomas reprinted with my new last name at any time.

Primarily, however, this decision was an emotion-based one for me.  Something about getting married, to me, speaks of one-ness; it is about moving forward with our relationship in a way that makes us the primarily family unit in our lives...instead of our families of origin.  We become closer and more unified through this allegiance, and it speaks to others that my name has changed to his.  It feels like the right thing to do for me, for us, in our lives.

I don't feel like I will be losing part of who I was, who I am now.  It feels like growth - like having people call me Dr. instead of Ms. (when that time comes).  I'm not ignoring or denying who I have been for the past 25 years; I am taking a new step towards becoming a true adult.

One problem: I'm having trouble practicing my new signature...it's so much longer!!!

Logo

One of the things I decided a while ago about the wedding is that I wanted to make sure that it presented cohesively. That is: no mish-mosh of craziness for me...if there's to be craziness it will be intentional in discernible as such.

To that end, at my request Chris put his Photoshop skills to work some to design a logo for our wedding. It's now posted on the right side of the blog page, but here it is once more just for good measure:

We went with the "L" because that's Chris's last initial, which will also be mine following the wedding (yes, I'm changing my name...more about that later, most likely).

The interlocking "C"s for our first initials, which seemed an obvious choice.

The cowboy boot is significant for us because Chris and I go country dancing (think: line dances, two-stepping, waltzes, and swing) nearly every week and it has been a really large part of our relationship since the very beginning.

We added a celtic knot in the shape of a heart because my engagement ring has a celtic-knot sort of feel to it, and we plan to carry that over into mine and Chris's wedding rings. Although we do both also have Irish heritage, I am inclined to believe that this is only a minor player in our decision.

The thing I like about this is that we can change the color rather easily and add it to many things for the wedding: save-the-date cards, invitations, napkins, stamps, return address labels, thank you cards, escort cards, favors, and etc.

I really fell in love with this idea and I hope that it is something that sticks in everyone's minds when they walk away from our wedding.