Surfacing

One theme that I have been noticing is that, with the wedding so close, it makes me think about my relationship with Chris in a different way.  Mostly what that means is that conversations about the future surface more -- and not in the "isn't it fun to dream about the future" kind of way, but in the "how are we actually going to make this happen?" kind of way.

To be sure, Chris and I both have things we want to achieve both as separate people (e.g., our careers) and as a couple (e.g., children and a home).  We have talked about these things before, many times and at great length.  And yet, as we creep up find ourselves closer and closer to the day of the wedding, these conversations seem to take on a different weight.

As a psychology grad student, I know that this behavior - the re-evaluation of a commitment during that in-between time after deciding to commit (e.g., engagement) and before the commitment becomes finalized (e.g., marriage) - is completely normal.  It happens with small decisions and large, good decisions and bad; this psychological reflex does not discriminate, particularly if you have a pragmatic style of thinking.

So, given that, it's completely normal and natural that Chris and I are having more and more serious conversations about the direction of our lives - particularly considering that, for the next year, I will be living in LA and he will be here in the Bay Area.  It's also particularly present, I think, because for the past four years the needs and demands of my schooling have been of paramount importance and largely immovable while Chris had to mold to mine.  A difficult feat to balance these things and now we are moving closer to being able to prioritize Chris' career and needs over mine. We discuss how we are going to manage this coming year while living apart, but also long-term financial planning, personal goals, professional goals, and family planning.

The closer we get to the wedding and the closer we get to more freedom (in the form of me becoming a licensed psychologist) the more these questions and discussions are imperative and hold more weight.

I suppose I have to think of this in neither a good/bad manner, but rather accept that the intensity of these transitions is appropriate and important to consider.

Sidebar: Internship Round II

As I noted before, I have been going through a very challenging process of securing an internship for next year so that I might (finally!!!) graduate.

This morning was the match day for round two for the national system meaning that, this morning at 7am I received an email. That email contained the news of whether or not I was matched to an internship placement and, if I was, where I would be going.

The result:

I matched to the Institute for Multicultural Counseling and Education Services (or IMCES)
in Los Angeles, California.

I start on July 1st.



Now, to be quite honest I was unsure of this placement when I interviewed there and, overall, including placements that I was still eligible/up for using the California system (a few of which I was rather excited about) but could not include since the California and national systems are separate.  There was also the issue of the fact that I believe that one of my interviewers did not like me whatsoever.

Still.
I matched there.
It's a solid placement that will get me to graduation and it pays.

I should get a strong experience and develop as a clinician during my time with IMCES.

So.
While I am adjusting emotionally, I am also considering the pragmatics, which are numerous including deciding on where to live.  But, for now, I am going to do my best to be relieved and happy that I have found a placement that will, at the very, very least, suffice for one year.

Article: Enhancing Joy in Your Relationship

Stumbled across.

Simple, readable.

Thoughts?

Action Returns: Candy Buffet Bags

A lot has been going on in my life over the past month or two aside from the wedding planning piece.  I had a family member pass away, another get very close, I am *thisclose* to being finished with my dissertation, and I have been managing my internship application extravaganza.
This last piece is the most stressful because the quality, location, and type of internship I get for next year will make a very big impact on my future career as well as Chris' and my lives.  It's too complicated to try and explain here, really, but suffice to say, if things go the best they can (from what's possible now) either (1) we will be moving across the country to Miami OR (2) we won't be living together because I'll move to either Fresno or Merced for the duration of the internship year.  Plus, the nature of this stage of my program leave me feeling worthless, powerless, and downtrodden.

I have been having an extraordinary amount of feelings lately.

This has also resulted in my not-quite-panic-mode response: sluggishness. I'm also used to having so much more of a "to-do" list on my plate with exams and papers and applications and what-have-you that I got into the habit of only attacking things on that list that were emergencies. Notice that my blogging has been sporadic - that, too, is part and parcel.

Pour this all in a blender and you get the version of me who has been feeling crappy and stressed out but without the benefit of getting nearly as much done as I could or as I would like to.

But, in a positive development, today my motivational and action-oriented bone returned to me.
Now, that's not to say that I got tons done, but I got a respectably reasonable amount done.

Case in point, I did this today:

These are the bags that will be placed out for use in conjunction with the candy buffet at our wedding, which will be our favors.  I bought the small glassine bags quite a while ago (after much internal debate about size and color).  After their arrival, I began experimenting with how I wanted to personalize them.  I decided on stamping them, and then played around. Chris offered his preference that we use white ink (he thinks it looks classier than the other color options).
So, about two months ago (or not, I don't remember these things anymore), I stamped the fronts of the bags in waves with this stamp:

Then, just a week or so ago, I took them back out from their temporary storage placement (but were always in the front of my mind since it's such a simple, easily-completed task) and started stamping the back with our custom logo stamp. I did the first few dozen in waves.
This morning I decided that I would finish it,finish them all.
I did.

The sense of pride in completing this simple task was alarming.  All I did was finish stamping 250-ish bags, going back and forth with my hands in repetitive motions for something like an hour, maybe two, while watching television.

Placing those bags in Ziplocks and pressing the air out while sealing the containing bags, I had a rare sense of progress.  It gives me hope that, instead of just obsessing about everything left to do, I will actually do them and ultimately spend less time on each task.

Article: Staying Married

I recently read and article titled: 7 Things I've Learned in 7 Years of Marriage which was posted through some of the news feeds I read related to psychology.

As I thought it was apropos, I thought I'd share the author's ideas. Here's what he said he learned was important to a good marriage:

1. Get Married For the Right Reasons.
2. Talk About Things That Matter.
3. It’s Okay to Be Wrong.
4. Compromise is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness.
5. You Need Your Own Life.
6. Fun is Always Important.
7. Commitment Means Commitment.

In the article, the author elaborates on these points so if you're interested, I encourage you to read the whole thing.

As for me, I found it interesting to read a scientists' opinion column, essentially.  This author typically evaluates things from a scientific lens, so his decision to list these ideas about lessons for marriage - aside from any actual research, entirely based upon anecdote - was very interesting.

For me, although obviously we are not yet married, the biggest one of these that I have learned during my relationship with Chris thus far is #3.  Many of the other ideas I'd already known and I guess you could say I already knew [about] #3 prior to our relationship, but....there's something different about putting that into action, particularly when my own personal disposition is to try and be right as frequently and as vehemently as possible [I know, those who have known me for years are gasping with shock and epiphanies!].

That is definitely a lesson I have taken off the "Academic Knowledge" shelf and put into practice - slowly, with difficulty and a need for focus in the execution.  One of the things that disarmed me about Chris when we first started getting serious was his willingness to admit when was wrong and be completely ok with that...that it wasn't a devastating thing to admit.

What's more than just learning that "It's Ok to Be Wrong," is how disappointed I was to discover how difficult this was for me to put into practice.  My competitive nature and desire to be the smartest, most correct, and best were helpful in a learning environment and in the workplace but, when it comes to my personal relationships, I have had the unfortunate habit of putting "being right" above "doing what is right."

So I practice, every time Chris and I disagree about something, when we have a compromise to make or a bridge to build, I have to - very intentionally - examine myself to make sure I'm doing what is correct overall and in the best interests of our relationship rather than just trying to beat him, trying to be the winner.

Any other thoughts on these?

Also, although it wasn't one of the listed lessons, the author did put forth the opinion that couples should live together before marriage.  And, for the record, the scientific results of studies on this topic are mixed in regards to whether it is better to live together or not prior to nuptials.

Two Hundred

As of today, there are exactly two hundred days until the wedding, and it puts me in a reflective mood.

I know that I spend much more time and mental energy on the pragmatic details of the wedding -- planning, meetings, decisions, and ideas -- than on the emotional impact.  I'm trying to change that.

Being in the mental health profession, it is incredible how much even I use the pragmatics to bypass the psychological impact of transitions and needs.  A lot of this is about control and about our culture.  Our culture focuses on getting things done, on results, on tangibles, and quantifiable actions.  This is not the most helpful or healthful way to live, from a psychological perspective.

It is much simpler to spend energy on deciding which one of these to buy and whether or not I want this or that.  And honestly, it feels like these decisions are of eminent importance.  For example, Chris and I went browsing from wedding bands the other day.  We found a few that we like, but I cannot for the life of me make a decision about what I would like to do.  I have spent a good amount of time looking at photos of the rings on the internet, and felt anxious that I will make the wrong decision.  Upon reflection, though, two things become clear: (1) I don't need to make this decision for another couple of months yet, and (2) it doesn't really matter which of the rings I choose.  If I pick the "wrong" one, I will either come to love it or we can just get another one if I don't.  Essentially, there is no wrong ring.  Whichever ring I choose, I will wear along with my engagement ring and it will still stand as a symbol of our love.

With so many messages from the media and questions from others in my life about the decisions and details of the wedding, it becomes so easy to convince myself that the anxiety I feel about choosing a wedding ring is about the wedding ring.  It is not.  That anxiety is not about the physical band and its qualities.

That anxiety, that fear of making the incorrect decision, is about me and how I am feeling in general regarding the wedding.  Before I continue I want to be clear: I love Chris, I want to marry him more than I want to do anything in this world.  And still, I cannot help but feel an impending sense of doom.  By that I mean that, in making each step towards the realization of such an important decision, transition, and step in my life, I worry.  I cannot pinpoint all of it at this moment, but I know that it's there.  And it's not about Chris.  It's not about our relationship.

It's about me and what this wedding and marriage means to me as a woman transitioning from my family being my family of origin (my parents and siblings) to "my family" first and foremost meaning me and Chris.  Even though, in reality, this has been the case for a while, the wedding represents the formal transition just as, after completing all my coursework during undergrad, pragmatically, I was just as finished with college as I was after I walked across that stage to shake hands with the provost.  The ceremony is important.  It is a marker.

As a person, I am much more likely to feel anxious when I am uncomfortable than depressed.  Most people have one tendency or another: I have the former.  I tend to get into the 'doing' or the 'avoiding of doing' and putting a lot of mental and physical energy into something other than the most important task at hand.
I often make decisions quickly and decisively, but until a decision is irrevocable (or as near to it as possible), I will question it, feel ambivalent and anxious about doing the 'wrong' thing about 'failing'.  I also worry about whether or not I will do something correctly.

To help, I make lists and I check and double-check.  I color-code, schedule, and create redundant systems.  I organize, make boxes, make labels, and go over the same ground multiple times until I'm too irritated with myself to continue.  This is how I handle stress and uncertainty.  This is what has helped me get through graduate school insanity and all the bombs that have exploded in my life.  I start with the practical and, often, this makes the anxiety go away.  Not anymore.  I know now that, while I do still need those lists, due dates, and highlighters, that is not the only thing I need to do to make my wedding day successful.

I need to spend more time on my emotions themselves.  I need to be okay with acknowledging, even just to myself, the pain of this transition and the fears of the unknown that plague me.  I need to remind myself that this anxiety is not about the fact that I'm three days late in ordering the invitations.  I also need support in the fact that, while I am enduringly thrilled about marrying Christopher, it is not simple or easy.

I need space to prepare in more than just losing weight or test-driving lipsticks.

You know what else helps?
Reminding myself of something that I heard and that resonated with me: "He always makes me feel like the prettiest girl at the party."
And he does.
I love our love.
And I love him.

That eases it, but doesn't mean that the pain and anxiety aren't there or aren't going to crop up again.

The Conscious Bride

I am finishing the last few pages of a book that was recommended to me by a colleague: The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings About Getting Hitched (Women Talk About).

The book is all about the process of going from girlfriend to fiancé to bride to wife - not planning-wise or functionally, but emotionally and psychologically.  

I resisted ordering this book initially because I know myself to be a do-er rather than a be-er and this book seemed to be about the being rather than doing.  That is, I schedule things, and make to-do lists, and organize.  I do not spend copious amounts of time in reflection, contemplation, or processing.  Certainly a weakness of mine  an area in which I could do with some growth overall.  

So, obviously, I put off ordering it.  

Then I put off reading it.  

And then I have been putting off finishing it.

Now, I am quite close to finishing it and I have to say that I love this book.  I highly, highly recommend that any woman who is engaged - or planning to be engaged soon, or recently married - read it.  Now.  Certainly, there are times that I disagreed with the author, but overwhelmingly, the book spoke to me and how I have been feeling.

I feel torn between explaining now the entirety of the book and the idea that I might make writing about the book a multi-part post, since there is so much to get into and one post might be overwhelming.  I think the latter is most appropriate, but I do want to provide more of a sense of the book's basic premise.

The author's bottom-line philosophy is this:

(1) Getting married is an inherently huge transitional experience.

(2) All transitional experiences are painful, stressful, and difficult.

(3) Our society tells us that getting married should be the happiest time of her life.

(4) The combination of these have led to getting married being a cycle of feeling badly and then feeling badly about feeling badly -- so on and so forth.

That's the best overall summary I can give of the author's estimation of the 'problem' at hand.

There are six different chapters, all of which address different topics and ideas.

I am enamored of this book right now, and I reaffirm my recommendation to read this book.  

Link below to purchase.

Questions We Ask

Even before Chris and I got engaged, we were talking about marriage; we were very clear that we were going to get married and when. Since our families knew this, they suggested that we begin checking in with ourselves and each other in a way that resembles pre-wedding counseling. That is, they encouraged us to start talking to one another about important topics that inevitably arise during the course of the marriage.

To us, this seemed like a good idea - not with the idea that we were checking or testing to see if we were right for one another but so that we had covered these important topics before they come up as a problem. To that end, we searched through reviews of books that purported to do exactly what we wanted it to do. We came up with this book:

So, more than a year ago now, we ordered this book and started making our way through the hundreds and hundreds of questions that cover just about every topic you could think of:

• Hopes and Dreams for the Future
• Histories
• Education
• Life Experiences
• Career
• Ethics/Values
• Love and Commitment
• Sexuality
• Children and Family
• Religion and Spirituality
• Past Relationships
• Money

And more.

It lists questions to ask your future spouse, along with elaborations of the questions, like, why it is important to talk about these things.

We haven't gotten through all of these questions yet, but we're plugging away.

And it has been......terrifying satisfying explosive hilarious enlightening.

Some questions we sped through; wham, bam, we got that bizness DOWN!  These are questions where we already knew what one another's answers would be, and there were no surprises.

Other questions....not so much.  

A few were non-issue sorts of questions (e.g. about experiences in college; we were in college together, so I mostly got to see them all or hear about them early on).  

There were also questions where we were surprised by one another's responses; generally those went well, but didn't make us feel amazing about how well we knew one another.

The final subset, well, I have to admit that there were some questions that did not go smoothly.  I don't want to go into too much detail, but some questions led to disagreement on particular topics.  Sometimes this also led to an inflation of how important that topic is...or how relevant it is to our lives as a couple.

In all, though, I think this is one of the smartest moves we've made about the wedding.

What I'm really looking forward to, as well, are the OTHER sections:

• Questions to Ask Your Friends and Family
• Questions to Ask His/Her Friends
• Questions to Ask Your Future In-Laws
• and
• Questions to Ask Your Lawyer

(They also have questions for your children and religious leader, but on both it's N/A for us.)

It's an extraordinary experience to, so explicitly and thoroughly, explore these topics with one's betrothed.  I don't think that any of the answers would have changed our commitment to one another, but it has definitely helped us feel like we're entering into this endeavor with a lot of great tools and knowledge under our belts.

Crumble and Rebuild

MY MOTHER'S WEDDING IS IN 5 DAYS.

Several days ago, I made plans with my mother, her fiance, my sister, and my younger brother to get together at my apartment this morning for wedding planning.

I got a call from her fiance at 10am (the agreed-upon meeting time) telling me that they had not yet left. It's a 45-minute drive from there to here.  They left after 10:30.  My siblings and I waited at my apartment.  When my mother arrived, it was clear that we would not be starting wedding planning just yet; my mother was not feeling well.  In respect for her privacy, I will leave out many details saying only this about her state of mind: something external to the wedding triggered a series of intense and upsetting feelings which rendered it difficult for her to see past same.

Fortunately, I threw my therapist hat on and spent some time figuring out what it is we could do to help my mother, in about a hundred senses.
Once she was stabilized feeling better, I went about the task of first trying to understand what needed to be done, organizing same, and delegating what could be delegated.

It took a lot of my energy to move things forward so that my mother's wedding is set up for success.  While eventually a fair amount got done and I feel ok about how it all turned out, the ordeal morning has left me with a lot of leftover feelings, the preponderance of which are not fun.
Even as I write, I am conscious of whether or not my mother will read this (probably not).
I want to be completely honest.
I do not want to hurt feelings.
At the moment, I'm not sure I can effectuate both.

Here is what tomorrow's schedule looks like:
10:00 am - Go to the mall and pick up mine and my sister's bridesmaid dresses.
10:05 am - Argue (I'm predicting) with the tailor about what was and was not done to the dresses and attempt to be refunded about half of what we have pre-paid for the alterations.
10:30 am  - Shop for more things I need for the wedding.
11:30 am - Drive from Pleasanton to Richmond (at least 45 minutes)
12:45 pm - Terminate with client #1
01:35 pm - Terminate with client #2
02:25 pm - Tell client #3 that we are NOT terminating; we have 4 "bonus" sessions
03:15 pm - Terminate with client #4
04:20 pm - Tell client #5 that we are NOT terminating; we also have 4 "bonus" sessions
05:05 pm - Terminate with client #6
06:00 pm - Begin termination paperwork
08:00 pm - Leave from Richmond for home (at least 35 minute drive)
09:00 pm - Being my task of creating the escort cards for the wedding and following-up with my mother and sister about how things are progressing.

SUMMARY: a long flipping day full of emotional drainage.

I am hoping that this is the end of the line for major disruptions related to my mother's wedding.
Wish us luck!

Judgy McJudgerson

Recently, I realized something very disheartening and shameful about myself.

Looking through Facebook over these past weeks and even months, I notice how many of my friends have become engaged, married, or parents. When people have these things happen, I am happy for them and excited for whatever new beginning they embark upon. I do, also, as a person who plans to make a living based on what people do and how they operate, find myself eminently curious about these things that are happening to my friends and acquaintances.

This is not the disheartening thing I learned. Maybe it can be a little voyeuristic at times, but it is positive and natural, to my way of thinking.

This realization came when someone posted photos of her recent wedding. I found myself judging, much to my dismay.

I looked at some photos and questioned to myself why the flowers, dress, venue, and etc were chosen. And not in a way that I would call inherently kind. To be clear, nothing about this wedding was outrageous; it did not veer widely off the beaten path. Most of what was photographed seemed traditional and reasonable.

And still, somewhere in me, I decided to judge.

Even if the dress had been categorically ugly (which I am not saying it was), why in the world should I care?

Once i noticed myself judging, I continued on looking through the photos (damn, that curiosity!), all the while purposefully and intentionally forcing myself out of judging.

Even this made me feel so tiny.

There is no reasonable purpose to judging someone else's joyous day - particularly when all those photographed seemed happy.

I wanted to share this revelation because I know I am not the first and only person to judge. That doesn't excuse me, by any means; rather, it makes me fallible. Something which I am all to aware of.

I also realize that this means that it is likely that, when Chris and I post photos of our wedding, there will be some people I know who will look at the photos and judge something about us and our day.

My job is to, now realizing that, accept it and let it go. Not an easy feat for me, by any means.

My job is also to acknowledge my own flaw in being so quick to judge and - even though it is sad that I must do so - remind myself when I look at someone else's choice: "[Person] seems happy. And that is enough reason to be happy for [Person]."

Hopefully I can grow from this.