Absence Explained

I feel like every few days or weeks I go through spurts of posting lots and then not posting at all for days.
I think this is partly a good insight into the tumultuousness of my life at the current moment.

Lately, it's about the interviewing process for an internship.  At this time I do not yet have an internship, and the earliest I could find out as of now is March 28th.  After that, if I don't match then the next date is April 8th.  It's all up in the air, and the most challenging part is the interviewing process.

Between the dates of March 7th and March 23rd, my calendar tells me that I have had/have scheduled nine interviews...over 13 business days.  I am flying to LA twice next week for interviews.

It 

is 

exhausting.

The process is draining and the lack of security in terms of the future is anxiety-provoking.  It makes me search for comfort and moments to let go; it makes me tired and sucks all of my remaining motivation completely out of me.  As such, I have been slow at getting to lots of wedding-related projects and even more, lacking the motivation and mental energy to do anything more than the bare minimum in many areas.

Was that a rant?
I'm not sure, but it isn't meant to be....it's simply the fact of my life at the moment and how its affecting me and my wedding-preparation.

Sidebar: Internship

I am a clinical psychology doctoral candidate.
The only thing that I have left to complete before I am cleared for graduation is for me to do one year of a pre-doctoral internship.
I applied for some last year and did not get one of the ones I wanted.  I decided to take another year - this year - to develop my skills and curriculum vitae so as to be a stronger applicant when I reapply this year.

This year:
I applied to >20 sites.
I received 4 offers to interview.
I did not match to an internship.

I found out Friday morning, the 25th.
My birthday was the 24th.
Very disappointing result.

Now what? I mean, I still need an internship for next year because I am going to graduate May/June 2012.  No. Matter. What.
So after the results were posted, the matching system released they also released a list of internship placements that didn't get all the interns they needed.  So I'm applying to a great and very many of these placements.  I will know if I get one of these placements on March 28th, a Monday morning.  The Monday morning, in fact, following my bachelorette weekend.
Hah.
Even so, I could -again - not match through this national system.
Thus, I have already applied for a variety of internships through the California system.

For those who aren't already familiar with this process - and even many who are - it's a convoluted and very involved process that essentially involves gobs of stress and uncertainty.

I say all this mostly to say that this result, among other things, means that I - and thus, Chris, as well - am still in limbo.  Past these next 12 weeks, I have no clue as to where I will be living or what I will be doing next year.

Possible scenarios:
(1) Chris and I live together in the Bay Area while I work at UC Davis earning about $25K
(2) I live in Zephyrhills, Florida (very near my Dad's family) and earn $39K working at a corrections facility there; Chris tries to transfer
(3) I live in places with no Southwest Airport, like Podunk, Indiana
(4) I live in Los Angeles earning $0 (not a typo); Chris tries to transfer

And many, many other iterations of similar living arrangements, types of work, places to live, and income levels.
I could earn nothing all the way up to the $39K.  I could be in the Bay, in San Diego, Texas, Florida, Ohio, New York....anywhere.  I could work at a university, corrections facility, community mental health center, or more.  Chris and I could live together full-time, part-time, or not at all on other sides of the country.
Oooh!  Also, I could start as early at July 1st, or as late as September 1st.

We'll see.

I must have used that phrase about a katrillion-jillion times during this whole internship process.

And yet....
it's true.

And will be for at least four more weeks.
Oh golly.

Four weeks from today is the second judgement day and I have no earthly clue how it will be.

And also this other little thing where I'm getting married in 82 days.

Wish me luck!!

Action Returns: Candy Buffet Bags

A lot has been going on in my life over the past month or two aside from the wedding planning piece.  I had a family member pass away, another get very close, I am *thisclose* to being finished with my dissertation, and I have been managing my internship application extravaganza.
This last piece is the most stressful because the quality, location, and type of internship I get for next year will make a very big impact on my future career as well as Chris' and my lives.  It's too complicated to try and explain here, really, but suffice to say, if things go the best they can (from what's possible now) either (1) we will be moving across the country to Miami OR (2) we won't be living together because I'll move to either Fresno or Merced for the duration of the internship year.  Plus, the nature of this stage of my program leave me feeling worthless, powerless, and downtrodden.

I have been having an extraordinary amount of feelings lately.

This has also resulted in my not-quite-panic-mode response: sluggishness. I'm also used to having so much more of a "to-do" list on my plate with exams and papers and applications and what-have-you that I got into the habit of only attacking things on that list that were emergencies. Notice that my blogging has been sporadic - that, too, is part and parcel.

Pour this all in a blender and you get the version of me who has been feeling crappy and stressed out but without the benefit of getting nearly as much done as I could or as I would like to.

But, in a positive development, today my motivational and action-oriented bone returned to me.
Now, that's not to say that I got tons done, but I got a respectably reasonable amount done.

Case in point, I did this today:

These are the bags that will be placed out for use in conjunction with the candy buffet at our wedding, which will be our favors.  I bought the small glassine bags quite a while ago (after much internal debate about size and color).  After their arrival, I began experimenting with how I wanted to personalize them.  I decided on stamping them, and then played around. Chris offered his preference that we use white ink (he thinks it looks classier than the other color options).
So, about two months ago (or not, I don't remember these things anymore), I stamped the fronts of the bags in waves with this stamp:

Then, just a week or so ago, I took them back out from their temporary storage placement (but were always in the front of my mind since it's such a simple, easily-completed task) and started stamping the back with our custom logo stamp. I did the first few dozen in waves.
This morning I decided that I would finish it,finish them all.
I did.

The sense of pride in completing this simple task was alarming.  All I did was finish stamping 250-ish bags, going back and forth with my hands in repetitive motions for something like an hour, maybe two, while watching television.

Placing those bags in Ziplocks and pressing the air out while sealing the containing bags, I had a rare sense of progress.  It gives me hope that, instead of just obsessing about everything left to do, I will actually do them and ultimately spend less time on each task.

Results and Photos

Clearly, I have not posted in the past few days.

Why?

Good question.

As a graduate student, I have been applying for internships -- all with the military (Navy and Air Force). Results came out on Friday morning. I did not get an internship. As you might guess, this news sucked....correction: sucks.

Thus, I have not been doing much wedding planning as of late.

The only thing I have been doing much of is having a pity party.

What has happened, however, is that just over a week ago Chris and I had an engagement photo session. Pretty normal for a couple planning a wedding. What was unusual was that we had eight photographers.

Huh?

Yeah.

Eight.

Chris is into photography (www.chrislangsdale.com) and is part of a MeetUp group for photography enthusiasts. Many of the group members are new professionals who are looking to build their photography business. We took advantage of that. We invited group members to join us at a public location (a park) and get an - apparently rare - opportunity to add an engagement session to their portfolio.

So.

Eight photographers, all with different levels of knowledge, skill, and equipment.

No guarantees on the quality of the photos, but the only cost was an afternoon.

We had a blast.

I felt like a rock star.

This is what it looked like to an outside observer:

But that's only four photographers.

Chris isn't super comfortable with having his photo taken...but I am. It was insane, and fascinating.

I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Here are some of the favorites among the ones we have received from the photographers so far:

(Above photos by Victoria Medina)

(Above photos by Danielle Stolman)