Sidebar: Idealized

I have stumbled across yet another article that I find interesting which relates to the fact that I am getting married shortly: Want a Happier Marriage? Unrealistically Idealize Your Partner

This article reports on a recent study which drew the conclusion that unrealistically idealization of one's partner is correlated to higher marital satisfaction over the first three years of a first marriage.

They suggested that people may either distort their actual perception of their partner to more closely fit the concept of their ideal partner or they have adjust their concept of an ideal partner to match the qualities of their current partner.

Either of these possibilities are interesting.

But what is important here, as it always is, is that these data are correlations....so there is no determining the causation.  The authors state that one alternate possibility is that people who are simply in more stable and satisfying relationships tend to have an idealized perception of their partner; thus, the causation flips from the headline which suggest that, as long as you force yourself to idealize your partner you'll have a happier marriage.

As always, my critical thinking and curious mind asks: how does this differ, if at all, when taking into account length of courtship and/or whether or not the couple was living together prior to marriage.  I expect that the trajectory of Chris' and my was different when we first started living together versus what it will be following the wedding.

Very interesting.

Article: Gender Difference among Couples in Conflict

I stumbled across the following article recently: "Women Have More Intense Emotions Than Men When Conflict Arises Within The Couple"


Yeah, this one has a little bit of a "duh" factor, I know.
I can't help but enjoy it though.  And it helps that this study was published in a peer-reviewed journal.  The author of the article about the actual study printing writes: 

"One could expect men to express more domineering or "powerful" emotions as wrath, anger or despise, and women to have more submissive attitudes guilt, sadness or fear. The results have proved that women feel more intense emotions, both powerful and non-powerful."

Again, not that surprising, but having a scientific study note this definitely makes me and my feminist heart happy and feeling justified.


Even more, the actual authors of the study write: 

"The socio-cultural context and gender-based roles assigned to men and women respectively might have a relevant influence on the generation of expectations concerning their role in relationships and in conflicts within the couple." 

Not that any of this necessarily applies to me, but I do definitely pay a lot of attention to the articles about couples and marriage these days.  I wonder why......

Sidebar: Our Marriage Will End The World

Alright, so maybe that title is an overly-dramatic extrapolation from this article about how there is a religious leader who is predicting that the world will end of the day of our nuptials.

Evangelical minister Harold Camping has predicted that the rapture (also known as the second coming of Jesus Christ) will occur on our wedding date.  In the first link, there is an article that details why he is making this prediction.

Now, I am not one to ridicule religion, and this post definitely is not about that; rather, I find it interesting how religious leaders have predicted this same event and other end-of-days proclamations many times over particularly because other religious leaders are having their own reactions to this prediction.

The truth is that I find it amusing and interesting that the end of the world has been predicted to occur on the day I will be promising to spend the rest of my life with someone.

Now to be fair, the rapture has been predicted many a time by many individuals for dates past and future.  But I'm note getting married on those days......

Article: Enhancing Joy in Your Relationship

Stumbled across.

Simple, readable.

Thoughts?

Article: Staying Married

I recently read and article titled: 7 Things I've Learned in 7 Years of Marriage which was posted through some of the news feeds I read related to psychology.

As I thought it was apropos, I thought I'd share the author's ideas. Here's what he said he learned was important to a good marriage:

1. Get Married For the Right Reasons.
2. Talk About Things That Matter.
3. It’s Okay to Be Wrong.
4. Compromise is a Sign of Strength, Not Weakness.
5. You Need Your Own Life.
6. Fun is Always Important.
7. Commitment Means Commitment.

In the article, the author elaborates on these points so if you're interested, I encourage you to read the whole thing.

As for me, I found it interesting to read a scientists' opinion column, essentially.  This author typically evaluates things from a scientific lens, so his decision to list these ideas about lessons for marriage - aside from any actual research, entirely based upon anecdote - was very interesting.

For me, although obviously we are not yet married, the biggest one of these that I have learned during my relationship with Chris thus far is #3.  Many of the other ideas I'd already known and I guess you could say I already knew [about] #3 prior to our relationship, but....there's something different about putting that into action, particularly when my own personal disposition is to try and be right as frequently and as vehemently as possible [I know, those who have known me for years are gasping with shock and epiphanies!].

That is definitely a lesson I have taken off the "Academic Knowledge" shelf and put into practice - slowly, with difficulty and a need for focus in the execution.  One of the things that disarmed me about Chris when we first started getting serious was his willingness to admit when was wrong and be completely ok with that...that it wasn't a devastating thing to admit.

What's more than just learning that "It's Ok to Be Wrong," is how disappointed I was to discover how difficult this was for me to put into practice.  My competitive nature and desire to be the smartest, most correct, and best were helpful in a learning environment and in the workplace but, when it comes to my personal relationships, I have had the unfortunate habit of putting "being right" above "doing what is right."

So I practice, every time Chris and I disagree about something, when we have a compromise to make or a bridge to build, I have to - very intentionally - examine myself to make sure I'm doing what is correct overall and in the best interests of our relationship rather than just trying to beat him, trying to be the winner.

Any other thoughts on these?

Also, although it wasn't one of the listed lessons, the author did put forth the opinion that couples should live together before marriage.  And, for the record, the scientific results of studies on this topic are mixed in regards to whether it is better to live together or not prior to nuptials.