On Names

I know that I already posted about, but one of my favorite [political/feminist] bloggers just posted an article that explains my perspective more eloquently, although not all of it applies to me.

As I noted before, I do plan on changing my name and taking Chris' surname.  I am choosing this having given it much thought and reflection on the various aspects of the consideration.

This blogger, offered a list of ten potential reasons that a woman who identifies as feminist (which I do) would choose to take her husband's last name as her own (which I plan to do).

She makes many good points, but here are some of my favorites:

 ...

6. Because her maiden name was her father's name and keeping it did not feel like any more a rejection of the patriarchy than taking her husband's name did, and she liked her husband's name better.

  ...

9. Because she and her husband want the same last name, but the law makes it infinitely easier for her to change her name to his than for him to change his name to hers, or for both of them to choose a new name they share altogether.

 ...

10. Because despite knowing it comes from a weird, fucked-up patriarchal tradition, there's still some weird, fucked-up place inside her that likes the idea of taking her husband's name—and no feminist/womanist lives a life free of compliance, consciously or not, with weird, fucked-up patriarchal narratives and expectations. But unlike privately calling another woman a bitch or playing the role of Exceptional Feminist with a group of male coworkers or secretly doing all the housework in her own home, the name thing is there for everyone to see and question, every day of her life.

...Every time we publicly castigate or question women who have taken their husbands' last names [we judge and castigate them] —because there are reasons, not always evident and none of our fucking business, for that choice which can and sometimes do trump political statements on a personal, individual level.

This is not to argue that taking one's husband's name is inherently a feminist choice (although I'm not sure it's inherently not a feminist choice, either, depending on the circumstances). It is merely to say that we cannot (and should not) axiomatically assume anything about a woman who has taken her partner's name, rendering this yet another subject on which the casual passing of judgment is a pernicious affair indeed.

Quite evidently, we each have a responsibility to think critically about our individual decisions, and not pretend they happen in a void even when we make choices for no one's pleasure or security but our own. just because one is doing something for herself doesn't magically turn it into a choice without cultural implications.

But it's eminently possible to critique the culture in which individual choices are made, and the cultural narratives that may affect our decision-making processes, without condemning those individual choices. Or the womanists/feminists making them.

Not every feminist/womanist will make the same choice, nor should they be thus obliged in order to prove feminism's value. Feminism has sufficiently demonstrated its own worth by providing that spectrum of choice in the first place.

In general, I recommend this blogger's writing and find her insights quite interesting (although I do not always agree with her).   I like that she put this in terms of feminism and how we, as persons with strong ideals and points of view, forget that others can make choices that are not 100% in line with ideologies and are still legitimate and do not negate a person's identification as feminist (or belonging to some other ideology).

I just like this post and wanted to share, particularly as it pertains to me and my own personal decision...and one that I clearly felt like required an explanation of some kind.

Two Hundred

As of today, there are exactly two hundred days until the wedding, and it puts me in a reflective mood.

I know that I spend much more time and mental energy on the pragmatic details of the wedding -- planning, meetings, decisions, and ideas -- than on the emotional impact.  I'm trying to change that.

Being in the mental health profession, it is incredible how much even I use the pragmatics to bypass the psychological impact of transitions and needs.  A lot of this is about control and about our culture.  Our culture focuses on getting things done, on results, on tangibles, and quantifiable actions.  This is not the most helpful or healthful way to live, from a psychological perspective.

It is much simpler to spend energy on deciding which one of these to buy and whether or not I want this or that.  And honestly, it feels like these decisions are of eminent importance.  For example, Chris and I went browsing from wedding bands the other day.  We found a few that we like, but I cannot for the life of me make a decision about what I would like to do.  I have spent a good amount of time looking at photos of the rings on the internet, and felt anxious that I will make the wrong decision.  Upon reflection, though, two things become clear: (1) I don't need to make this decision for another couple of months yet, and (2) it doesn't really matter which of the rings I choose.  If I pick the "wrong" one, I will either come to love it or we can just get another one if I don't.  Essentially, there is no wrong ring.  Whichever ring I choose, I will wear along with my engagement ring and it will still stand as a symbol of our love.

With so many messages from the media and questions from others in my life about the decisions and details of the wedding, it becomes so easy to convince myself that the anxiety I feel about choosing a wedding ring is about the wedding ring.  It is not.  That anxiety is not about the physical band and its qualities.

That anxiety, that fear of making the incorrect decision, is about me and how I am feeling in general regarding the wedding.  Before I continue I want to be clear: I love Chris, I want to marry him more than I want to do anything in this world.  And still, I cannot help but feel an impending sense of doom.  By that I mean that, in making each step towards the realization of such an important decision, transition, and step in my life, I worry.  I cannot pinpoint all of it at this moment, but I know that it's there.  And it's not about Chris.  It's not about our relationship.

It's about me and what this wedding and marriage means to me as a woman transitioning from my family being my family of origin (my parents and siblings) to "my family" first and foremost meaning me and Chris.  Even though, in reality, this has been the case for a while, the wedding represents the formal transition just as, after completing all my coursework during undergrad, pragmatically, I was just as finished with college as I was after I walked across that stage to shake hands with the provost.  The ceremony is important.  It is a marker.

As a person, I am much more likely to feel anxious when I am uncomfortable than depressed.  Most people have one tendency or another: I have the former.  I tend to get into the 'doing' or the 'avoiding of doing' and putting a lot of mental and physical energy into something other than the most important task at hand.
I often make decisions quickly and decisively, but until a decision is irrevocable (or as near to it as possible), I will question it, feel ambivalent and anxious about doing the 'wrong' thing about 'failing'.  I also worry about whether or not I will do something correctly.

To help, I make lists and I check and double-check.  I color-code, schedule, and create redundant systems.  I organize, make boxes, make labels, and go over the same ground multiple times until I'm too irritated with myself to continue.  This is how I handle stress and uncertainty.  This is what has helped me get through graduate school insanity and all the bombs that have exploded in my life.  I start with the practical and, often, this makes the anxiety go away.  Not anymore.  I know now that, while I do still need those lists, due dates, and highlighters, that is not the only thing I need to do to make my wedding day successful.

I need to spend more time on my emotions themselves.  I need to be okay with acknowledging, even just to myself, the pain of this transition and the fears of the unknown that plague me.  I need to remind myself that this anxiety is not about the fact that I'm three days late in ordering the invitations.  I also need support in the fact that, while I am enduringly thrilled about marrying Christopher, it is not simple or easy.

I need space to prepare in more than just losing weight or test-driving lipsticks.

You know what else helps?
Reminding myself of something that I heard and that resonated with me: "He always makes me feel like the prettiest girl at the party."
And he does.
I love our love.
And I love him.

That eases it, but doesn't mean that the pain and anxiety aren't there or aren't going to crop up again.

Kick Your Heels Up

Thinking about going dancing tonight with my darling fiance, and I got to thinking about dancing at the wedding.
So, obviously, I started shopping online for brand new cowboy boots in which to do some kick-ass stomping.

WANT:

For the record, I already have these.

AND:

BUT WAIT:

OMG:

ALSO:

The only "problem" is the price tag on these.

Especially the last two, which I LOVELOVELOVE.  And would look SO cute with what I plan to change into for dancing.

A couple of these have more reasonable price tags, particularly considering that they're cowboy boots and totally cute....but I really want the last pair, which, of course, are the most expensive.  Super-crazy adorable, right?

Even with the excuse of the wedding, though, I have a hard time justifying the cost investment.

But I would wear them LOTS!  Like until they fell apart.  And they're well-made and would probably last for years.  And I probably won't spend much on the shoes I'll wear for the ceremony, since I don't wear fancy heels NEARLY as much as I wear boots.

And these are amazing.

BUT.

$410.

On sale.

LUST.

HELP!

Siete!

Exactly seven months from today, Chris and I will be married.

The thought alone is thrilling.

The song that, early in our relationship, Chris learned the lyrics to just so that he could sing it to me while we danced:



That is all.

Oh, I Like The Way He Looks

We decided long ago that Chris would be wearing a nice suit for the wedding rather than a tuxedo.  It's less taboo now to do so, especially because our wedding is going to be on the less formal side.  Plus, why rent a tux when we can just buy a suit that he gets to keep and will be able to wear again and again.

So when we noticed that Men's Wearhouse was having a huge Columbus Day sale, we jumped on it....Chris somewhat more reluctantly than than I.  Let me tell you, the experience was not what I expected, but it was definitely good.

Now, I've never been suit shopping - you nearly fell out of your seat with shock, didn't you? - and Chris had only ever been once. Just a few minutes after walking in, we were helped by one of the very talkative salespeople.  Thankfully, he was able to tell us a lot about what we should look for fit-wise, and helped us select everything Chris needed.

The only other time I have shopped with someone helping like that is when I went wedding dress shopping, which was still an entirely different experience.

This guy just kept bringing out different things for Chris to try without us asking for them, sharing too much about his own personal life, and giving us his preferences and opinions on things.

In all, the experience was really nice.
We left having purchased more than we expected, but a prudent amount of clothing.

The most important piece of the purchase was Chris' wedding suit - including the shirt, shoes, belt, socks, tie, and pocket square for him to wear.
He.
Looked.
GOOD.
Even though we didn't put the whole look together at once, I know it will look even better then.

I can't wait to see it all together and see him standing, 7 months from now, waiting at the end of a pathway among our family and friends.

Love.

I Love to Eat, Eat, Eat

First, I want to contextualize the title of this post.  I was pondering the upcoming (now passed) catering tasting a couple of days ago and I started hearing this song - which hearkens back to my childhood - in my head:

I like to eat, eat, eat

Apples and bananas.

I like to eat, eat, eat

Apples and bananas.

I like to oat, oat, oat

Oh-pples and banonos.

I like to oat, oat, oat

Oh-pples and banonos.

I like to ite, ite, ite

I-pples and banainais.

I like to ite, ite, ite

I-pples and banainais.

I couldn't get it out of my head, so now it's my post title.  I also want to add that it bugs me that, in the first verse, the pronunciation of 'apples' and 'bananas' is normal, despite the fact this defies the rule of vowel-matching necessary for the remaining verses.

Aaaaaaaaaaaanyways.

I had the tasting with the caterer!!

And my dad, and his wife, and my mom, and her husband.  Oh yeah, and Chris.  (That guy again.  Ugh.)

And it was....anticlimactic...even for what it is.  I ended up being frustrated by two things: (1) The person we have been working with - and the person in charge - was not there, despite having confirmed the event (but not specifically his presence) by email only hours before, and (2) we were only served the appetizers, which were from the standard catering menu...and that was all - none of our custom dishes were made for us, which was kind of the point.

*Deep, vociferous sigh*

On the good side, we picked our appetizers and there is one in particular that is super-perfect for our menu and super delicious.
Also, my family were very supportive and upbeat about the missteps.

It's also important for us to remember that, in this case, with this vendor, we've seen the final product and have a history with the company that is all positive....the only unfortunate things are what has been happening with our catering meetings.  Which sucks, because that's not fun, but doesn't make me worry in the way I would in most other circumstances.

Now, I'm finding myself feeling frustrating the more I write and wanting to erase the memory of the irritating parts of the tasting and just focus on the fact that now we'll be going back again for more free food and free drinks (yes, they served us -- ALL of us - complimentary beverages throughout the tasting, and even while we were waiting).

Let's keep our fingers crossed that it gets better in this vein.

Free Wedding Graphics and Templates

Last night, I was having difficulty sleeping; I was ruminating heavily on the wedding and its details.
Naturally, I jumped onto my computer and began working on wedding stuff.
In the process, I came across a wedding website that I haven't perused before: www.theweddingchicks.com
Among their items, they had some free, customizable, downloadable graphics for the wedding.

Here's some of what I made:

Their templates can be customized by color and by some words.   You fill in what you want and they email you the product in .png format.  The templates can be found directly here.

Hella cute, right?